For now, this is just a blog, but in the future I want to make it a proper website with different sections for a wide variety of creative endeavors. By the way this is extremely personal information about the ongoings of my brain [literally just an online diary] so if you know me IRL just know I am writing every all of the intrusive thoughts while high, so please tell me before you actually go through this... it's very embarassing [because I think I am afraid of being genuinely seen]
Haiii!!! welcome to my site :3 I was inspired to keep a blog by B [and I initially got into neocities after seeing a video by Green Hoodie Cat and i got inspired to try making my own!]
I am currently pursuing Bachelors degrees in Mathematics and Physics
Video Games!!! I love them and I love playing them with my friends! Some I have been playing recently are
I really want to do more right now, but I need to study for finals, ugh.
Hiya!!! today im going to go to a Friendsgiving :3 im bringing the drinks and cranberry sauce! I'm super excited, and honestly, i want to try using RayLib to make a video game in C, it seems very cool.
OMG i absolutely killed those exams, and now time to get hiiiiiiiiiiigh af and play some VTOL VR. But first!!! I will work on this a little bit :3
| 1 | 2 | 3 |
|---|---|---|
| one is okay | two is great | three fucks |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! omg this has been the worst and best year of my life. The largest emotional rollercoaster in my life. First off! my friends are really cool and im so happy. I get to play 2 [!!!!!!!!!] Industria campaigns with them. Im glad B has been doing better, they've been playing a lot of VRChat and they've been talking to an absolute ton of new people and i think that is very cool of them. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, on the not good side of things, my mom took her own life back in february, and I think i'm having a quarter life crisis??? That or I'm finally growing up. I feel lost, but I feel much more aware of myself then I ever have. I know what things I like, I know that I am lost, I know that is okay, I have like hopefully at least fifty more years of this beautiful experience we get to call conciousness. I believe I have also been spiritually awakened, and radicalized.
If you haven't already, look into the depths of your own mind and contemplate what it means to be concious. In order to understand something, we must know what it does, what it is composed of, and where it is from. [ Or more!!! ] So i ask you this: What is conciousness? Why are we concious? You're probably thinking that, idk i dont want to put words into your mouth. But what I think! I believe that us experiencing the universe is not special to us at all. Why would we be special? I would thank Occam, because I believe that conciousness is an inherent property in everything in the universe. I believe that we experience conciousness as the system gains information. For instance, the smallest particles would only be able to transfer information between one another through fundamental forces. But as things get larger, emergent properties reveal themselves. A cell can use chemical reactions to learn what is nearby. An ant can detect different frequencies of light over a large area and see the world in many metrics at once. [ metrics as in information. You can see an image of objects projected onto the retina and thanks to having more than one eyeball, you can determine how far away the focal point is! ]. We as humans process a near uncountable amount of information in a fraction of a second. Our countless senses give unique information about the world around us, and act as the brige between our primary recursive processor, the brain. These neurons can be stimulated, all enternal stimuli come from our perception, however I believe the most facinating aspects of life is dreaming. We close our eyes, and our brain begins to ignore stimuli from the outside world. You'll barely even notice sound, you can hardly feel a blanket, even it's warmth fades into the abyss that is unconcious sleep. No stimuli whatsoever, no recursive loopings, only small processes like body regulation that we've done subconciously since birth. In the depths of the unconcious mind, a spark get ignited, the brain turns it's factories, but not at full capacity. You still ignore the stimuli of the outside world, but instead, your perceptive neurons begin to fire, triggered by inneumerable pathways of pretrained memory neurons. You dream. Information being shared, purely imaginary, yet we experience it. Vividly seeing images with no input from the eyes. Our perception is not felt in the organs, that is simply its kindergarden. The sensation reaches the brain and our cluster of neurons begin to debate, sharing information with one another and deciding on their next action via "What has worked in the past" really makes you think about how we share information amongst each other.
Does conciousness go further? I believe it does. If we can experience the culmination of the neurons of our mind, can our collective society form a conciousness of it's own? Does experience act as a crystalline structure introduced to an uncertain subcritical fluid? Is the gaining of information the very act which collapses those stochastic quantized waves? Is the very act of asking the universe about itself bringing the universe into existence? Is this what people refer to as "The Soul"? I guess "immortality of the soul" would be that we are the universe, and thus never were born, and never died, as our energy has been around since the beginning. [The Energy Never Dies - BEP.] [ If there was a beginning. If there is a flow of time. Is the "flow of time" just the progression of the universe learning about itself? ] Upon death each miniscule part of our information going it's own way, no longer forming the recursive network which is able to permanantly transfer information [even if it leads to intentionally ignored redundencies].
Although, in this framework, if gaining entropy / information is equivalent to experience itself, then what does that make the heat death? when all the universe is a nebulous isotropic, isomorphic blob, when all that there is to know is known? I am glad to have come about simply for the chance to form new shortcuts in this recursive network that is my brain. I am so happy that i can experience this universe so strongly before it ends in a blob of knowns. I love learning new things, it's like another level of conciousness. A connection of information from the speaker to the listener, a connection transferring untold connections via our black box weighted neurons that created languages. [ This isn't just learning, but experiencing the universe in general. For instance, a conversation is concious, it's inputs: the speakers. ] With me asking if this is "The Soul", it really puts into my perspective how actual clergical devotees believe in something larger. I guess they kinda have it right? I mean, if you consider the universe itself God. Although, I think that actually does work.... [ everything in that book is just "what happens" why does it happen? idk, the fucking universe?" and yet people use it to spread dread and hatred instead of showing the empathy that is oneness with each other and the universe. We are all something larger. I guess if i reworded myself I could argue I were religious lmaooo, fuck that, fuck the church, some few beliefs on the universe are solid and chillin, however the institution has become corrupted, false idols lead the herd astray, towards the atrocities: Greed, wrath, pride. when they should have patience and empathy. Compassion for their fellow member in this universe. See, if they actually fucking read their book they would get it, but no, they go and do harm on others all to benefit themselves ] TLDR: I believe conciousness is an experience, and it exists in everything, and thus i am a panpsychist.
Anyways, i really want to actually make this place look nice, but i need to put in effor for that. And the motivation has been preeeety low lately. I don't even know what i want to do, i just want to experience living while i still can. Experience experiences you know? Motivation! yes! It's been low since mom passed, it feels so much more alone. That feels generic but i think i get it now. It's like I have no one rooting for me. I mean I have my friends, but like, idk i get worried about that, i feel like i don't know how to open up to people, STILL! how do people just open a pathway into the depths of their own brain and put it into language??? Research has been catching up with me, same with class. Been getting better lately, the bike has been great, i get out, i explore, i run through the god damn woods! I am having fun, im hanging out with friends, playing board games or laughing at whatever, or playing music, or watching tv, or playing mario party, or whatever! Im fucking living, and i couldn't be happier, I want to not sleep ever again because I dont want to waste any of the time i have here [ i love the universe so much, im so greatful i can experience it in it's period of change. If it ever does change. Is the heat death just conciousness having learned everything? if experience is the flow of time, i guess so... ]
Hello again. I think I need to dedicate more time to this site. I enjoy writing out my random thoughts on here, but I need to actually make it look how I might like, rather than just being a big blog. Although, How would I like it? Is me wanting to make it look nice just me trying to follow an aesthetic rather than do what I would find fun? I believe so, so for now I will keep it as it is. I think I should make it a ritual where at least once per week, or at the very least once per moon, I come on here and write out my thoughts to have them cemented into the annals of history [so I can look back on it later, and actually have my thoughts be coherent dialogue] [this is me coming back after [ I think the prior statement is bullshit because none of these thoughts are coherent, I just know what they are in language rather than the abstract neural connections of true thought. ]]
I have not been doing well. At all. However my friends are doing a god damn amazing job of helping me. I nearly went off about them, but i'll put it in the proper section... Academic stress is a motherfucker. I have been very much enjoying the contents of these courses, but the work I need to put in is far more than I am motivated to do. I have barely even touched my numerical methods homework even though there is so much of it to do. It's like if there isn't a deadline lighting a fire under my ass to get it done it'll never happen. This is not a healthy way to live, as every waking moment becomes even more stressed over the compounding work, building ever higher. This neglect also leads to my lack of true understanding of the material and thus uncertainty in examinations. However recently I went out of my way to get to school several hours early in order to study for the midterm, and it helped me more than I could have expected. I think that It's good that I feel good for doing that, as It will serve to motivate me more to go out of my way to improve myself academically, which removes the primary stressor from my everyday life.
Am's birthday passed, It was nice seeing them!! we got dinner at Miller's Ale House, I had a damn good cajun chicken pasta, and B got buffallo shrimp. Afterwards we watched Surf's Up and chilled out on the couch. Smiling friends season 3 is coming out and B had the great idea of inviting Am over to watch some of it, potentially even high, and that + the Wii sounds like a blast.
It's gotten a bit bad. The steryotypical "dirty room = sad" is really getting me atm huh. I haven't made my bed in a month. I have been severly slacking on brushing my teeth. I haven't actually folded and put up my clothes in a long long while. However, I did recently clean my room up, getting dirty clothes and papers off of the floor. I moved the bike out to the living room because in here it simply took up way too much space. I need to get that thing a new inner tube... I think that will be my mission for today if the weather permits. The kitchen has seen better days, countertops are dirty and need to be scrubbed hard. Same with everything else. This place needs a deep clean...
B! My friend and roommate! ...is not doing well once again, and I am sad about this... ... They want to be helped, but I am unable to do so; powerless to offer a helping hand that isn't an ear to release pressure via venting their frustrations to. They will be going to Japan in a short while, less than half a year. I am quite sad [again] because I like them a lot and I need to find ways to be able to connect to them long distance, but they aren't much of a gamer :( Enough sorrows, I think I have had enough of that. My cup has overflown and I cannot contain any more of it. I think I will get back into wynncraft, maybe play it with B while they're out, I think i'll ask them if they want to play soon, I think playing games and yapping could be good for them. Although, whenever it's just me and someone else, I never know what to say or talk about, my mind becomes fully encapsulated by the game we're playing, or the proccess at hand. Even last night, whilst playing overwatch 2 with J and Mi I was practically silent for ~30 minutes. Sitting with B on the couch, I was silent for multiple hours, just crying. We got Wawa though, I had a very nice sandwich that was more flavorful than it appeared, but less flavorful than the ingredients used in it. I wonder if we could create some kind of squeeze theorem, where by induction [Increasing my knowledge of culinary arts] I could make this neighborhood of uncertainty arbitrarily small, and know how the sandwich would taste, exactly, before even putting it to my mouth, without even smelling it. That is absolutely a form of art, of knowledge, of expression and mastery. Hmmmm. I think I want to cook a very nice meal for B today, I think I will do General Tso chicken. Use up some of the frozen chicken we've had for a while. [ For the aesthetics of B and I, I think B is the manic bpd depression anxiety shaking kitten, shaking standing atop their cardboard box, trying not to fall. Whereas I am the A(u)DHD academic burnout, abusing my brain because I still don't fully know how to get it to form connections and pathways that recurse between others. I dont bring about conversations because I cannot connect with others, much less B]
A is so nice. They drag me out when I'm unwell, pushing into those insecurities and isolation, constructing a bridge that allows me to leave my prison of malaise.
They have gotten me out into the woods at night, honestly one of my favorite places, and times... so together with friends? I would want nothing more.
Most recently, they got me to come with them to an antique mall, all the way in titusville, but before that we went to cracker barrel, and let me tell you, that barrel had some crackers in it. That group makes a long car ride feel like moments, and L is as brainrotted as I, and I believe we form some kind of feedback loop of vocal stims. Though I suppose this occurs with the entire group. At the antique store, we actually found multiple of the asian glass rope buoys!!! A got a lamp that looks like one. L got a poster of I believe saturn 5, along with a dire straights album, the one with a chrome guitar. [ Calling back to connecting with others and abusing my brain... ] It is also nice being high around this group, as I feel like my barriers have fallen and I can ride the flowing waves of communal thought, even if it is yapping nonsensical nonsequitors with L. But on the ride I was blessed with occasional gifts from the scrub, bright red autumnal leaves on the occasional coastal deciduous tree. K started to hit their limit, so we rode the rest of the way a bit quieter. After we got back from the antique store, we played mario pary, we had little sugar cookies, we watched impractical jokers, and cutthroat kitchen, and played mario kart. It was a very good night. The kind that give you hope that everything will be okay, that human connection is still there, and people care about me.
At some point in the night, My heartrate was spiked. A sudden feeling, tender lips pressed against the gristled forest on my cheek... And a moment felt like forever. They asked if they could kiss me. I felt as though I had never wanted anything more. Starting with my cheek, they worked their way towards my own lips. And they were so soft, a slight suction, a desire. When they were finished with my mouth they followed through to the other side, eventually ending on [and in] my ear, and from there, my neck. Their lips gently prodding these seldom stimulated sensitivities.
I felt exposed, I felt seen, I felt embarrassed, I felt desired. I don't believe I've ever been this flustered, feeling truly desired. Carnally. I hope I don't get a crush... [ yeah right, you know you have one, you're just too shy to say you want them, and too conflicted internally ] I found myself having released a number of embarassing noises, and I suppose I now know how B feels when I do it for them. No wonder they want to be desired so much, this felt addicting.
This is being written ~15 minutes after the rest. I do not have the motivation to go out and get an inner tube. Why don't I? The store is right there! I need to suck it up, and get on with it, and then I'll feel better because I went out and was productive, and didnt waste my entire fucking day because B was about to kill themself and kept me up until like 9 in the morning, and now it's 4pm and writing this blog post is the only fucking thing i've done today... On a different note... When we went to the antique store I got a book that was nestled in a bunch of classic NASA memorabelia, "The Universe Within" by Neil Shubin It seemed fuckass on the surface but in a real ass kinda way. I am only one chapter in, but it is nice seeing how personal the book is rather than preachy, focusing heavily on the experience of the author in paleontology: Them finding fossils for missing evolutionary links on the east coast of greenland, connecting mammals and reptiles, and creating more missing links in the proccess. Truly a recursive career if i've ever heard one, creating 2 more gaps to connect with every discovery, like a shitty inverted binary search. But it apparently is going to show many small things from history that have formed how we are today. The luck required in the universe for this version of me to exist.
Today I woke up at 7am and dreaded going to my courses, but did anyways thanks to B's encouragement. Luckily there wasn't a quiz in EM\; NM wasnt too bad, mainly covered the basics of splines\; DG is DG, my beloved. Between those, I had 2 fruit cups, one mandarin orange, one pear, then after I got home I had a pouch of chili. Afterwards, I talked with B before heading out to A's. After arriving at A's, I went up and chilled as they finished up their stadium match, then we went on to play Wizard's Ascent [A jenga spinoff]. After, we relaxed on the couch, watching cutthroat kitchen, then he ordered some dominos, with alfredo sauce. Eventually, at around 1:30am I came back home where I am now writing this for yesterday [as it's past midnight]
Uhoh, I have found myself relating a bit too hard to Speak for Yourself by Imogen Heap. I better not be developing a crush istg. I don't believe it's romantic attraction, but it is definitely a strong attraction. They make me feel like it's okay to take some time to myself, to just slow down. I'm hopeful that if/when we move in together it goes smoothly. I want to work on my confidence. They've said I should just say what I want, and I know this is true, but holy hell im too shy to do so currently. I want to be able to just go up to him, say what I want to do, or better yet do it. I did just before I left, and I am unsure if it was FOMO since I was leaving soon, if it was that deadline procrastination getting me yet again, or something else entirely, but I did, and I was very nicely rewarded... I need to have the confidence to do what I want more often.
The smell was intoxicating, the position was intoxicating, the sensation on my lips, providing gentle kisses, was intoxicating. It truly felt as though I were drunk after kissing him like that for so long where I did. It felt embarrassing smelling their armpits, but this was another level. I never wanted to leave. I want to do it more. I want to be addicted to this. I want to improve myself to the point of being worthy of this sensation, as I feel my reward was undeserved. I want to better myself for him... holy im gay as fuck... I want to press into him. I want him to press into me. I want to gently slip my fingers inside him while he's being bratty just to show him that I can take some form of initiative, even if he's the one to start... I want to hear his cute noises, I want him to take the lead and fluster me, I want him to kiss me, I want him to kiss my sensitive ears and neck, making me squirm and twitch, even letting out a squeak or gasp... uhhhhhhh... fuck this is super embarassing. I really want him to make me embarassed... lowkey, if that brat did what they know I want, I don't think it would feel deserved, so I appreciate him being more forward with making me state what I want, it helps me grow more confident, take what I want. [I even want to stop touching myself so that if he ever touches me I'll be more sensitive and embarassed.........] {hi, 10/19 here, wtf you're down bad}
frfr, he is a very good influence on me. He gets me to leave the house and my shell when I get depressed and begin to isolate myself because I enjoy their company so much. They unironically are helping me become the person I want to be. I need to put more effort into our friendship, I don't want him to feel like the sole leader in the friendship. I'm serious. I need to get better.
I am displeased with myself. It is currently 5pm. Do you want to know what I did today?? FUCKING NOTHING! I sat there trying my hardest to get myself out of bed, for even the briefest moment. I couldn't. I couldn't get out of bed? what the hell? I think I need to keep my phone as far away from my sleeping place as possible. I think this is a predation on me. I think I may have ADD, because I know for sure I have executive dysfunction. And let's run through a checklist of the DSM5 for this. [There are A,B,C,D, and E. A is to satisfy either one or two tables and as you will see later, I satisfied both to my surprise.]
| a. Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or during other activities (e.g., overlooks or misses details, work is inaccurate) | Yes, and this had impacted me severly in numerical courses such as math modelling and numerical methods. Even in physics, leaving out elements of the system. |
| b. Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities (e.g., has difficulty remaining focused during lectures, conversations, or lengthy reading). | Not too often, but it does occur. Once I begin tasks I typically can do them for a sizable duration. It's the beginning of the task which destroys me. |
| c. Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly (e.g., mind seems elsewhere, even in the absence of any obvious distraction). | I've been told by just about everyone I have ever talked to I do this. |
| d. Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., starts tasks but quickly loses focus and is easily sidetracked). | THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT I Finally became so stressed in my bed that I got up and on my computer, and what do I do? I write a fucking blog post when I could just get it out of the fucking way. |
| e. Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (e.g., difficulty managing sequential tasks; difficulty keeping materials and belongings in order; messy, disorganized work; has poor time management; fails to meet deadlines). | time management and failing to meet deadlines is a massive one for me. The organization behind it is whatever, but I will simply just not do things I desperately need to do until it all bubbles over. Every single semester of my life has been like this, and I still somehow havent decided to improve myself. I just do what comes up and then if it's a massive project i'll be left with like 1 day to do it like in my numerical methods class, but then I spend the whole day on that because I have to and I genuinely am more stressed than I can handle. |
| f. Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (e.g., schoolwork or homework; for older adolescents and adults, preparing reports, completing forms, reviewing lengthy papers). | I'm EXTREMEMLY hesitant to begin doing these, but often once I am I can go for hours. |
| g. Often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones). | No, I don't often lose things, but I do find it difficult to track items that aren't mine, ex: B getting someting new. |
| h. Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli (for older adolescents and adults, may include unrelated thoughts). | Yes. Literally every single process I do I get distracted. I was trying to do a quiz and did this... |
| i. Is often forgetful in daily activities (e.g., doing chores, running errands; for older adolescents and adults, returning calls, paying bills, keeping appointments). | Yes. |
Ok so... That is 7/9, only 5 was required for A.
The hyperactivity I do not have. I did as a child though... shit wait is this a lifelong thing? FUCK! okay, fine, here's the hyperactivity table... :/ I don't want to spend more time on this, but it is the current task at hand. wait actually reading this more... yeah i do like nearly all this if you include impulsivity.
| a. Often fidgets with or taps hands or feet or squirms in seat. | Yeah, I fidget with my fingers when just sitting there reading, specifically, i often pull beard hairs from this patch of scraggly ones on the left side of my chin, or bite under my nails. but more often then not I am using my hands to write or type, and I really often use my mouth for that, biting off the inside dead skin of my lips. |
| b. Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected (e.g., leaves his or her place in the classroom, in the office or other workplace, or in other situations that require remaining in place). | No? I dont think that I do |
| c. Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is inappropriate. (Note: In adolescents or adults, may be limited to feeling restless). | I feel very often restless. in fact i am right now. |
| d. Often unable to play or take part in leisure activities quietly. | If i am using my voice, it is super rare for me to notice my volume. However getting to that point is rare, so i would say no. [I was beat for being loud so i kinda walk on eggshells, so anxiety -> quiet kinda negates that one] |
| e. Is often “on the go” acting as if “driven by a motor” (e.g., is unable to be or uncomfortable being still for extended time, as in restaurants, meetings; may be experienced by others as being restless or difficult to keep up with). | I don't think so? im not sure |
| f. Often talks excessively. | If you get me to talk, i absolutely do. I think this one is counteracted by anxiety and/or dissociation |
| g. Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed (e.g., completes people’s sentences; cannot wait for turn in conversation). | ... genuinely, I feel extreme guilt about doing this to B so often |
| h. Often has trouble waiting his/her turn (e.g., while waiting in line). | Lines are a different story. In a line or queue i understand we are all in the same situation, and it's just unfortunate that there are so many people. Another part of it is I really enjoy simply watching things happen, so I don't mind if people go ahead of me. In this aspect I have patience. |
| i. Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations, games, or activities; may start using other people’s things without asking or receiving permission; for adolescents and adults, may intrude into or take over what others are doing). | ... definitely the first of the two, I don't intrude much, but i definitely interrupt or butt in, or finish their statement too fast out loud. |
AAAAaaaaaaaand that's 6! again, more than what's needed for A on it's own!!! So i am hyperactive/impulsive, but those are getting counteracted by me having grown up.
As for B, I don't remember much of my childhood, and I don't really have anyone to ask... wait, I can literally call my father. fuck. I need to get closer to family. for C, yeah it happens everywhere. for D, it pains me to no end. for E, My mental disorders are fighting a battleground over my brain.
| B. Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms were present before age 12 years. | I used to beat people up if that adds, like 70 referrals... i dont remember much of my childhood. I think i've been in some sort of dissasociative disorder since i was young. But i was definitely doing this as a kid |
| C. Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms are present in two or more settings, (e.g., at home, school or work; with friends or relatives; in other activities). | Yuuuuup, I feel this way with just about everyone [aside from new people, but that's an anxiety problem] and I feel this way just about everywhere [except from when i am fully locked in on acedemics like in the library or class. autism hyperfocus?] |
| D. There is clear evidence that the symptoms interfere with, or reduce the quality of, social, school, or work functioning. | yes. undeniably yes. It has ruined my academics. My ability to talk to people. My motivation. My relationships. My future. |
| E. The symptoms do not occur exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or another psychotic disorder and are not better explained by another mental disorder (e.g., mood disorder, anxiety disorder, dissociative disorder, personality disorder, substance intoxication or withdrawal). | Honestly, they only really go away when there's something like a dissociative episode or substances get involved. That's why I think every single blog post I have made I have been high while writing. The intoxication gets me to just do what I actually want to do instead of just spiralling anxiously |
Lowkey, i am glad that I did this.["Lowkey" that is nonchalant language I want to remove from my dialect, I am not lowkey glad i did this, I simply am glad I did this.] I am far more aware of myself now, having realized I am hyperactive/impulsive, it's just the lack of motivation that keeps me from doing things... It's literally like my mental illnesses are balancing eachother out to make all the issues i have with myself, even fighting each other on both sides of arguments. When I started this I literally thought I wasnt hyperactive. I learned.
I even understood my relationship with weed better. How i use it completely unnecessarily. if I just work on my mental health then I would be able to just do whatever I want whenever I want. However!!!!! I do still really really enjoy the physical sensory impairment that It provides me. It causes me to enter a more dreamlike state, where my brain does not think about what it is doing and it kinda just runs on autopilot, like i dont even need to think to do what i am doing because what i am doing is a direct line from my conciousness. [for example that whole shpiel was written on autopilot looking at the wall to my left] However, whist in this state, conciousness flows but too rapidly. The recursory remarks shut down their factories, so the experiences are fewer. The sensory inputs dulled, so the experiences are fewer. From this lack of experiences, our continuuum of experience is stretched ever thinner, the metrics of time become placed further and further apart. What felt like ten minutes had been an hour and a half. I started writing this post at ~5pm and I just looked at the clock that says 6:28...
The continuum of our conciousness is experienced by the thinker. In a flow state one does not think, they simply exist in their most likely state. Integrated information breaks down, and we perform more, but retain less, neurons also cannot recall these moments as well, as they are not being passed around recursively, thought about indefinitely. If what I desire out of life is to make the most of this gift of conciousness I have been given, then I would be sober. Is this the root cause of theists being anti alcohol? anti vice? There is definitely something deeply ingrained in me, deeper than I know that causes me to have these ideals about the universe. Surely it's just my mind abstracting what I was told in that christian school under the veil of science, surely.
If i'm not crazy and this isn't some deeper mental vault of my christian upbringing, then we must consider the implications. Do I want to experience more? I personally do. I think that conciousness is above words. Fuck is this just the origin of every goddamn religion?
[You can tell that I am writing out of order and editing this after, because the next paragraph is actually still on topic and didn't divulge into the questions of conciousness. I tend to do that very very often while high and writing these. I think it's the same way that all wikipedia articles lead back to psychology]
Through becoming aware of the symptoms of ADHD, I can understand how those symptoms effect me, and how I can counteract them by thinking more. I'm becoming the person I want to be by working on my mental health, realizing that these are the issues I can now begin to rationalize when it's something that I want to do or not, and take action, lock in, and get shit done. Genuinely writing these blog posts while high has helped me become so much more aware of myself, allowing me to just let my conciousness open it's barriers and flow. I think I should make this a recurring series: Delving into something in the DSM5, asking myself about each and every part, thinking about what that means, and coming to a realization about myself. Today I learned that I have symptoms of ADHD, and it's fighting a battleground with my lack of motivation?, my anxiety?, my autism?, my dissociation? These are four new threads that we can pull back to reveal their sources next time. But until then, I will try and keep my mind active when ADHD symptoms flare up, and what I can do to counteract them. because I am currently super unaware of myself. [I'm not diagnosing, I'm just saying i have most of the symptoms and they impact my life severly]
it's now 7pm, this marks 2 hours working on this blog post, I reformatted the entire website, now properly indented and uniform. I think next time i might figure out how divs work so i can collapse areas of large text rather than sifting through this basic ass header, paragraph html. [Also complete different topic but I don't want to make it a whole section, I am further through The Universe Within, and it's been quite enjoyable, but not too thought provoking like Phi was]
L recently had their birthday on tuesday and as part of a continued celebration, we went to universal city walk!!! L really wanted to visit a restaurant called the cowfish, and what happens in the cowfish stays in the cowfish, so i will not discuss further here ;) iykyk. But before that we watched Weapons.
Weapons is a really good movie, I think the characters were good, very very real and believable. Good themes. Good lighting. Good music. Made me very very squeamish. political too!!! then we started to drive to universal.
K's driving made A nervous, but L and i were chillin. We realized we were gonna be late for our reservation, and that stressed out everyone more, now we were practically willing to break in to make it to the reservation. I say im damn glad we missed it.
We remade a reservation for 9pm, and so with time to kill... We went to Margaritaville! saw the Margarittacaino! sipped margharittas under sperm whales and hammerhead sharks! Listened to jimmy buffett! Pereoused the gift shop! danced with kind julien. and then walked around drunk for a bit. We checked our now 9pm reservation and realized we still had an hour left, so we walked around a bit more. got a cool picture on a donut throne. high fived a mom. K got a donut. we chilled talking. tipsy sitting by bushes. and the hour was fast. we went to our 9pm reservation, and as it turn out, the restaurant was behind by about an hour... SO WE WENT TO MARGARITTAVILLE!!! this time more chill though. I started a game of tic tac toe with L, I placed on an edge, they placed on an adjacent edge. I was sure to win. we had waters. spinach artichoke dip and queso. and the time came.
The CowFish. The restaurant L has been waiting to visit since november of last year, eagirly awaiting it. it had a sick ass elevator, we forgot to push the button. and we were shortly seated. It had cool curved lights, and fish scale decorum. Along with a comedic blend of american and japanese stereotyped paintings / murals. the air was lively, voices from many parties danced about the room, parents and children, lovers, groups of friends. A wide variety of peoples all come together under the common cause of communnion and appreciation for their fellow people. We were seated rather swiftly, though I suppose that's what a reservation is for. I got the Georgia Roll, A got Hank's Roll, K got some other one, and L got a burger. The sushi was elaborate in flavor combinations, but the simple burger was deeply complex in it's own right. While some would say it needed more sauce, the astute would notice the deep marbling of the beef used which provided a rich, beefy bite.
After that, we made it home [actually, the future place I will call home :] everyone was tired, but we decided to cuddle up and watch an episode of cutthroat kitchen, I then made it home safely after fillinf up B's gas.
It is now two and a half hours after I said I would do my quiz... 7:30.[FUCK I HAVE TO DO THE CAREER FAIRE TOMORROW! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!!!!] I feel very good about doing this [blog post]. Every time I get high and write a blog post i feel far more aware of myself. Now time to see if I remember these when I'm sober. I've said "Working on the site" before, but truthfully I was making the blog post. This site is still the basic template, I want to make it genuinely look fun sometime too, rather than just a plaintext html blog. Also, I did all of that in complete silence. Maybe I should take intent behind every action. never just tossing on background music, but wholly focused on what i'm doing. Disreguard the game to talke to the people. ignore the birds and focus on the words. enter a streamlined link rather than bogging up memory with parallel processes. WAIT!!! I completely forgot!! I should also add different sections of the site, include my art, music, and programming, even some assignments I should. tagged by audio, video, interactive etc? anxiety, autism, and adhd all have components of genetic, should i focus on Dissociativity first and foremost?
Next time: Make website pretty, follow up on DSM5: 1. Dissociative [Depersonalization/PTSD?] disorder 2. Autism 3. anxiety disorders 4. motivation disorders outside ADHD?. Don't diagnose yourself, but ask yourself about the symptoms, and if they impact your life, so that when they are impacting your life you can be aware of them. [After all of this {8pm}, I am pleased with myself, I added the titles to the posts and I think I can see a very clear arc emerging. I think I just need to do this more, active silent time, active work on myself time, active think about thoughts and put them on page before they can go away time. ASK WHY ABOUT EVERYTHING! always get back to C [conciousness] and map the web of causal action within my own mind so that I may untangle it's knots.]
Okay, 8:10. I cant stop writing. I think this was a breakthough, and I am also trying to program games in RayLib again, I am working on pong, and then going to turn it into a roguelike maybe.
again hi... Is it PTSD that causes my dissociation? thanks shitbag from my past. wait actually, i think it might be. That state i enter where I pretty much just block out everything. every emotion, every thought. I started that because of HIM and what he did. WAIT!!! Maybe I can say damn the genetics, this is person caused. Is it ADHD? Is it Trauma? its the same symtoms, look for trauma symptoms further This video is intruiging, watch it again when you see this bepp Also just look into depression, that's why you're not fucking motivated... I wish I could remember my childhood better, i'd be able to trace my symptoms back further to their actual origins outside of a nebulous view of HIM and all that happened. Because now that mom is dead we'll never be able to know.
Wait. I literally have verbal communication problems dont i? That's why these blog posts are so helpful, because I'm literally writing it all down. have i hit the point where therapy would help? It probably would've helped this whole time... I know i've needed therapy for a long while but I have been too unhealthy to do that. I didn't realize how bad I was because of my dissociation. I didn't know how deep it truly went. That damn phone
I took B out to publix since they were anxious and feeling very bad. I got them a nice cuban sandwich :) A while went by where I was just kinda chilling while sad and anxious. I printed out papers for the career faire, and then I got dressed up all nice and went. It was fine, I was too early, so I read. tad boring, less stressfull than the brain made it out to be [like fucking always...] then afterwards, B went to bed for the night. I got a bit freaked up, and learned more c++. I made my desktop silly. Eventually played a lot of overwatch with friends, then played YOMI with A until after 1am, then I cuddled B.
Today was very long. I went to bed yesterday at about 2am, which was later than I wanted, but I enjoyed my time. Well, I didn't really go to bed just yet, because I was cuddling with B after they woke up, then we went back to sleep. I slept until about 7am. Then I took a shower, got ready for class, and left. While waiting for class to start this morning, I finished The Universe Within. It was a nice read, very slow and chill. It does have me subconciously looking for causality chains in daily life more. Might even be part of the reason that I have come to my recent realizations. I then went into EM, we did some more laplace solutions. Then I wallowed in sorrows. then numerical methods happened, and I got my test back, did amazing, just took too long because I wrote too much. We went on to flesh out the theory behind cubic splines. After that, I really wanted to go home. Really bad. I tried to be good today and go to all of my classes, but my first class of the semester has been skipped. I met up with B in the library and we waited for someone to buy their book. We just barely missed the bus. We eventually made it home. I had a chicken taco, B ordered some delivery, and we crode. B upset me when they were being severly self depriciating, and it made them feel bad about it. I hope they get that way of thinking out eventually, They can't be a suicide risk forever. But we made it home. I then got super anxious and couldn't bring myself to go to differential geometry. To make up for that, I got a little elevated, and locked in on the physics homework. I did that from about 3pm until 10:30pm. I think i did good today. I locked in and got work done in the face of hardship. I punched through the motivation barrier, and was able to enter flow.
ok so. This is a few days since last time [Tuesday]...it is now Saturday.
Wednesday: while I didn't want to necessarily get up and do work, I put in the hours for my Numerical Methods quiz, did shitass, but whatever, it's not like a spent an entire day studying and doing homework or anything. [I overworked myself because I didn't have good habits prior and I tried to rush learn everything.} I also... I forgot what I did, I was really stressed. [B and I did go to the office and print some stuff for shipping out and grabbed some red bulls.] [Industria session was cancelled, and honestly, I am so fucking greatful, however I think taking time off from NM to focus on friends could have been good for me...]
Thursday: These are my long days. Placed between industria sessions, I very often overstress myself with it. I will have the mentality of like "oh yeah, today Industria is what im going to do" and thus I do literally nothing else, however, this is not that day yet. Thursday was a productive one. Woke up nice and early 6am. Took a shower. Got that fit on. and lumbered off, still overstressed about the quiz that I was soon to have, scared that EM could have one. I've been listening to The Normal Album by Will Wood lately, and it's so much better than I thought it was, so many little sonorous details. but EM went well, Dielectrics is basically just one more step before using Laplace's eqn.. After EM, I went over to MSB to study, [why do I keep doing this to myself instead of forming good habits sooner?] and the hour went in a minute. NM came and went, quiz was... I dont even know, could be 100% could be 0%. but after that I was feeling so freed from the stress I literally took an hour long nap on a bench outside. [After finishing my DG HW] [the weather has been super super nice lately] And that nap was very much needed. My lack of sleep has been hurting me. [Maybe I should go to bed when I finish writing this, BUT IM HAVING FUN BEING AWAKE; TODAY IS AMAZING!] I then went to differential geometry, and all we really did that I missed was a generalization based on metrics and christoffel symbols for riemannian curvature. After class, I headed straight home. I don't remember much after, but I know I cried a few times. especially after I finally built up the strength to join them in fortnite
Friday: Another productive day!!! however with a shade of melancholy. My main goal for friday was to make my costume, and so B and I went down to goodwill to grab something. B was solid and found a nice red long sleeve, and later throughout the day I was working on parts such as the mask. I also had industria 0 on this day, I feel like I couldn't put my whole self into that and I'm dissapointed [Here is where i cut back in to finish up. Read the ending for explanation] in myself about that, I want to get better at rp. [esp that kind] B wanted to hang out and watch paprika but they fell asleep before we could because i was doing industria.
Saturday: Today!!! The most productive day in a while. Today B woke me up pretty early and wanted to go over to publix to grab a bite of cake, I tossed a nice fit on and joined. The weather was lovely as it has been for a while. afterwards, we wanted to stay out longer, so we got haircuts!!!!!!!!! I've wanted one for a while, but didnt want to spend money nor decide how I wanted it styled, so Im glad we got it cut. afterwards, B and I walked around waterford for a while, just talking, yapping. We went first to sephora, then walked clockwise around the plaza to the bars, then through the theater, then into 5 below, B grabbed a powerade. we checked out hot topic, walked around target, then went into barnes and noble. We sat on little chairs and talked about life and shit, i teared up again about having to leave B, but then we started to head back. We checked out the CDs too. Before going to the car, we stopped by ulta, and I got come moisturiser to use after the cleanser. We then hopped in the car, and started to head home. BUT! we wanted to stay out more for our mental health, so we read books in the office for an hour before I had to go get ready. Get ready for what i hear you ask>? a fucking party hosted by the bestest !@!!!
Yippie!!! I had so much fun!! I went as a stressed shy guy whos mask was made up of torn up notes. A went as waluigi, L went as luigi, K went as rosalina, S went as toad, M went as a scary clown, R went as a soldier, J went as a deer. We started off by kinda hanging out and playing some mario kart matches, which i sucked ass at but somehow didnt get last.After that we went on to play jackbox for a while, I went out and talked with L on the balcony a bit, and they played jepordy. I was worried R wasnt having fun, but it was overheard they thought we were really cool. but they got overwhelmed and left. We accidently cut off S while playing truth or dare, and I felt bad about that. it then got a lil bit Freaky with A having 32 shots of vodka [hyperbole] but we had a good cry sesh, good talk, that's what inspired me to make this.
I have been very avoidant all around, much to my dismay. I think it's kinda bs that i have been. Like they're literally your friends, I love hanging out with them, why have I been scared to message them? Overall, I don't communicate with them as much as I should. Today I actually opened up to A, J, and L about my dissociation. I actually cried quite a lot while talking with A about it. They said how they really appreciate me as their friend with how I try and be honest, and wished they were sober to talk about it proper, but ngl i think without the alcohol i couldn't have opened up to them. They appreciate me as a friend. I appreciate them more than they know, so I think I should tell them.
" Hi! I couldn't find the words earlier, and I usually feel much more comfortable typing my thoughts and feelings anyways, so I'm sending it here now. I really appreciate you being my friend. You have significantly improved my life, and I feel ashamed that I don't make it seen or reach out on my end more. There are countless times where I feel frozen, too stressed to even respond to a simple message or pick up a call, yet you still reach out. If I could temporarily wire our brains together to communicate, I would because I don't even have the words to express how much that means to me. When I'm in slumps and isolate myself, you get me to leave the house and my shell just because of how much fun I have just spending time with all of y'all. I realized recently that my mental health was worse than I knew, and this whole year only served to compound that to make this last month one of my hardest yet. In honesty, a lot of those times when I wouldn't hang out because of homework I couldn't even bring myself to do the work, instead just sitting there telling myself I will, trying my hardest to start, which only compounded the work further. I also feel bad because It's also kind of affected Industria since I've just been struggling with everything so I can't really fully get into the headspace of characters, or think of what to say. But you've been a lighthouse, guiding me ashore, getting me out of my ship. You kind of give that "we can do anything and then feel good about getting it done" confidence that I find really inspires me to improve myself. It feels embarrassing sending this, even though I've been writing, editing, and revising for at least an hour now. I think that this so called "embarrassment" is just a fear of being known and seen, and I think that is something i must overcome, because it's stupid, and I WANT to be embarrassed by you in a not fear way. I've deadass daydreamed about you to flustering me the way you did when you kissed me. I should say the things on my mind and be more open, so sending this and not backing down is on the agenda. Like if you want I could send a super embarrassing things from my journal, because I think that would just be good for me and my fear of connection. However i think that block of text is a bit too much for me to just send out of the blue because that's very scary to send (and a tad explicit). "
There. It's sent and I cant take it back. The fear of connection will not win! I will tell my friends I appreciate them! Fucking hell it's 4:18am already. I have been typing since I got home, barely even listening to music, and I only got this little bit done because I was trying to find the right words to send a letter. Those definitely take a lot more effort than a blog post ... Fuck I still havent even finished what happened on friday, much less starting saturday. Ok i'll finish those and go to bed.
